Say It Ain’t So

I saw these on the TV screen last week. Old Navy was advertising this particular style during lost — and OMG, did you see lost this past week? — and I believe that I jumped higher, screamed louder, and got scared-er during the Old Navy ad that featured this horror than I did during the stunning conclusion To This Week’s Episode.

Because, frankly, short-shorts rompers? Are enough to give anyone nightmares.

For the moment, let’s leave out how you are possibly going to use public restrooms in this thing without dragging part or all of it into the toilet; that simply goes without saying.

Instead, concentrate on just how wrong the proportions of this thing are. The dropped waist! The below-elbow, but not three-quarters, sleeves! The teeny, weeny inseam of Doom! The very weirdly placed breast (or maybe, floating-rib) pocket!

Old Navy was advertising this using their skinniest and leggiest models, and they still all looked like a plate of hot mistake with a side of mental Deficient. There is absolutely no way to wear this and be taken seriously. There are very few ways to wear this and not look as if you lost a particularly disastrous bet. (One would be wrapped around your head as a turban.)

And please, people, believe me. I know whereof I speak. I was a young teen, in Florida, in the early 1980s. I know all of the enticing forms that jumpsuits can take, and the few times that I ‘experimented’ — well, let’s just say that the flashbacks are debilitating. I can scarcely pass a tropical-print-floral rayon without vomiting, even today.

To sum up, this romper:

— does not allow for the speedy completion of necessary bodily functions— makes you look like you’re playing Tweedledee in the “Out of Africa” version of Alice in Wonderland— drains personal dignity faster than Jello body shots— is guaranteed to disflatter 99.99% of women (and most men, barring a few really in-shape go-go dancers)— doesn’t even get the POCKETS right

Now, you’re all grownups. You can wear what you like. but if I see you wearing this …. I will just be very disappointed, that’s all.

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Moths in the Pocketbook [caution: long entry]July 2, 2007
the first dress and the last dressMarch 12, 2008
Rant: I See London, I See FranceOctober 28, 2008

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